Ending a Long-Term Friendship
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“I am experiencing one of the most painful break-ups in my life. I just parted with a friend that I have known for most of my adult years. I had to end the friendship for my own well-being. So, why does it feel like I’ve ended a relationship with an intimate romantic partner? It hurts!”
The word intimate says it all. It illustrates why the break-up of a long-term friendship can feel immensely painful. An intimate relationship is one that is warm and has developed through long association. It is very personal in nature, and it embodies our deepest character.
Ending a relationship that we have invested our best into can leave us feeling raw, but know that healing arrives on the wings of this pain.
Our Need for a Strong Support System
People change, and individual lives change – all the time.
The need that we have for a support system never goes away. It is critical to our mental health to have people in our lives that provide us with practical and emotional support. But our support system must change as we do, and this makes it necessary to reach out and connect with others.
This also necessitates ending friendships that no longer serve and detract from our innate needs.
Questions to Start the Healing Process
Healing can begin before a break-up. Start the process by asking yourself questions that bring truth to light and solidify your need for change.
Try writing these questions and your answers down, or journal them (journaling is great inner therapy):
- Can we relate to each other’s lives?
- Does she show interest in my life?
- Does she leave me feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed?
- Can I talk with her about our friendship, and will it change the negatives into positives?
- Does she support who I wholly am?
- What needs do I have that she does not support?
- Do I neglect my own core values to hold onto our relationship?
- Do I completely trust her?
- Can we agree to disagree and still love and find value in each other?
Are you feeling negative vibes about your friendship as you dig in and answer these questions? It may be time to remove toxicity from your life and end the relationship.
Choosing a Different Path: Several Ways to Break Up
Either way you choose to break up with a friend can leave you feeling empty or hurt for a while, but I urge you to go back to the questions and answers that you journaled to help you focus.
You may choose to back off quietly (i.e., drift off). You may decide to have the conversation with your friend and explain why the break-up is imminent and set some boundaries (for example: remain connected on social media – or not). Or you may apply extreme boundaries to guard your peace and emotional well-being (and cut the person off completely).
Having the Breakup Conversation
Having a conversation that ends a friendship is never easy. It can be uncomfortable and emotional.
There are overlying points to focus on during the conversation that can help tamper down hurt and negative responses.
It is About You – Not Them
After all, you are ending the friendship for your own well-being. It isn’t about placing the blame on your friend. It isn’t about being selfish (no guilt allowed!). It is about owning your feelings and ensuring that you take care of yourself.
Avoid using negative finger-pointing language, such as, “You always…” or “You never…”
Instead of saying, “You always make me feel belittled,” consider saying, “I needed for you to listen to me (about…), and I wanted you to be honest with me. But when you laugh at me and tell me that I am always too sensitive, I feel belittled and hurt. As a friend, I need to be able to come to you. I need a listening ear. I need support.”
In this statement, you acknowledge that you need someone to listen to you – someone to not laugh at you, and you need someone to turn to that supports you.
Your friend may balk at these statements even though you are turning them towards your needs, and even though you are not attacking them personally. If your friend becomes defensive, try replying, “I understand, but that is not my intention.”
Avoid engaging in an argument, but that can mean lovingly walking away.
Share the Positives
Acknowledge the positives that the relationship has brought to your life.
Perhaps your friend has helped you through many rough spots through humor and fun times together, but now they don’t seem to listen to your inner needs. This is an appropriate time to say, “I appreciate the times when you lifted me up with your crazy humor. You took me right out of the doldrums. We have had some great times together!”
By talking about what you found positive in the relationship, you help your friend to carry forward and use their qualities when forming new relationships.
Take Care of You
Remember to always engage in self-care, even if you don’t feel like it after ending a friendship.
Simple measures of self-care can help you eliminate anxiety, fear, lack of focus, or stress than can drive you to wonder if you made the right decision and prompt you to go in the wrong direction and reconnect your friendship. (Think hard before you do that. Dig out your “whys” – the questions and answers that you journaled.)
Get plenty of rest. Eat well. Meditate or pray. Focus on healthy thoughts, including good memories. It is time to take care of you!
Remember that mental health can change over time, especially after painful life experiences (like a break-up), but we have the capability of reining in the positives and creating change in how our bodies react to stress. Self-care is part of it. Getting out and talking with others is also beneficial.
Making new friends is an important part of self-care. Solid relationships are investments in mental health and well-being. As busy as life is (right?), some of us forget how to make friends as an adult. Remember that trying new things can be refreshing to our souls!
“Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of others.” – Mother Teresa
The Mental Health Benefits from Massage
You can also boost your mental health through massage. The continued and consistent use of massage is proven to reduce stress, provide positive treatment for anxiety, and decrease the risk of developing depression. It is therapeutic and it is backed by science!
Your focus on self-care and your own body and mental health (forget the job, problems with relationships, and the typical pressures that women often feel) can take you away from what troubles you in the world and put your mind in a deserving and healing place of relaxation.
We cannot say this enough:
We want you to feel good!
We want you to be free of anxiety and pain!
Do you reside in the Austin, Texas area, or are you planning a visit? We want you to experience the mental health-boosting benefits of massage!
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